How to Use Harry Potter
by EiriTheBear
Summary: Harry finds out what the word 'horcrux' means. SMUT. Possibly long. SLASH. Random use of incredulity and pitiful attempts at humor. HarryTom TomHarry, and a bunch of Slytherin/Gryffindor.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: Harry finds out what the word 'horcrux' means.

Notes: I'll try to be enthusiastic until after this fic gets some reviews.

It was as fine as any day when a Dark Lord set fire to the moors and the Muggle urban, where the Golden Trio sans Ronald Bilius Weasley found themselves in the library of Hogwarts, researching.

One Hermione Jean Granger pointed out to one Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore that since Harry James Potter, her best friend, is destined to defeat one of the most terrible Dark Lords the Wizarding World had ever encountered, the whole Restricted Section of the library should be open for their perusal. The wizened old warlock happily obliged, and Harry found himself dragged into a space filled with shelves of dusty books.

Bored, his eyes glazed in and out of focus, an arm supporting his lolling head on an oak table. Hermione, surrounded by hills of tomes, had her reading glasses on and her bushy hair in a bun, eyes glinting at the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to read something other haven't, which Harry didn't at all comprehend.

And then Harry saw it. A thin, hardbound book, precariously balanced on top of one of Hermione's book mountains. As his eyes tried to focus, they made out the words, "So You Want a Fully-Functional Horcrux? The Six Steps Towards Making One".

For a minute or two, Harry stared. Among piles and piles of dreary, bug-eaten paper, it had been that _easy_?

Harry shook his head. _Naw_, he said mentally, _it couldn't be_.

"Hey, Mie?" he said.

"Mhmm?" Hermione hmm'ed, flipping at an unusually fast rate. Detracted from his original intent, Harry decided to ask about it.

"How come you can read all those books so fast?" he asked, looking at her inquiringly.

Hermione let the last of the pages slip by her thumb, and she was done with the book.

"Along with the Time Turner, Professor McGonagall gave me a few more handy artifacts, like this one," she pointed to her glasses which, come to think of it, didn't look at all Muggle-made.

"What's so special about it?"

"It also compresses time, but only for the brain and the eyes, without tiring them out, while simultaneously making reading materials easier to comprehend."

"Oh."

And then Hermione picked up another tome on Dementor Mating Habits, which Harry doubted was useful for their quest. Why was it even in the Restricted Section in the first place? He doubted that they'll be encountering Dementors getting it on any time soon.

The thin Horcrux book looked at him, and he remembered.

"Oh! I forgot," he exclaimed, grabbing the book. He flung it onto the open book of Dementor Mating Habits, effectively interrupting Hermione's scanning.

"What the- Hey! I was reading!" she exclaimed back.

"Check this book out for size!" Harry said, excited all of a sudden.

Hermione stared at the bold lettering of the title, then her eyes widened.

"Whaaa... it can't be that easy!" she cried, "...can it?"

Harry shrugged. "I dunno. It might be cursed or something."

"Or something. You already touched it, and nothing happened, so it isn't cursed. Either that or you're internally bleeding as we speak, or your privates are decaying."

At the mention of his privates decaying, Harry's hand subconsciously grabbed his bits, and then he blushed for his rash action, in front of Hermione of all people, and let go. No, his bits weren't falling off.

"Hmm, any malaise there, Harry?" she questioned.

"Ma-what?"

"Are you feeling out of sorts? Sick? Drained? About to vomit? Nothing?"

"Err, no."

She stared for a second. "It can't be that easy!" she repeated her previous statement, and voiced Harry's.

"I know. Let's check it out," Harry suggested. Hermione moved her chair so that it was next to Harry's, then opened the book. The spine crackled with age, but stayed intact, and let the book open.

"So you want a fully-functional Horcrux? Chapter one. What is a horcrux?" Hermione read aloud for Harry.

"The Etymology of Horcrux," she said, stopped, said "That means where the word originally came from, Harry," and Harry's creased forehead returned to normal.

"Horcrux is Elven-Celtic in origin, meaning 'an object or device that is primarily used to facilitate human sexual pleasure'. It is a sexual device, used for self-pleasure, or giving sexual satisfaction to others."

At the mention of sex, Harry nearly fainted. No, at the mention of Horcrux = Sex Toy is more like it.

Harry reeled back from his state of utter shock.

"Hermione What does that mean?"

"Well, Harry. Uhm, to put it simply, Voldemort must have made Horcruxes to-" and she didn't finish that sentence, because she was already laughing her teeth off.

"To what? _To what!_" He knew what it meant. He just needed to hear it from Hermione, rational and sound when it came to thinking.

"It means-HAHA-, Harry that you -HAA- are one of Voldemort's sex toys!" And then a slew of uncontrollable giggles escaped her usually dignified facade. Harry was white as a sheet.

"But that would mean..."

"Yes Harry, that would mean that I had no intent to kill you in the first place," Voldemort said, from behind a bookshelf, before showing himself. But, it wasn't snakeface Voldie, rather, it was Tom Marvolo Riddle, young, vibrant, not slimy and disgusting, and exquisitely (in Harry's opinion) debauchable.

Harry almost wasn't able to control his salivating.

"Harry," Tom smiled sweetly, beckoning for his horcrux. For some odd reason, Harry felt his horcrux-ness obliging to Tom's tantalizing request.

"But, but, but..." Harry mumbled. Tom wrapped his strong arms around Harry's slim waist.

"But what, Harry?" Tom inquired, raising an elegantly shaped eyebrow, eyes piercing into Harry's own.

"But you tried to kill me multiple times!" Harry exclaimed at first, but died down in volume when Tom started nipping at his ear.

"Oh, come off it, Harry. I was merely trying to claim my little Horcrux back," he whispered, licking the shell of Harry's ears, making the teen shiver in delight, and arousal. A quiet moan escaped his lips.

"B-but, you killed my parents! And, and all those people, and caused so much... chaos," he muttered, and gasped, when Tom started attacking his neck.

"Mhmm, why not let Dumbledore explain all that? After this though, because I've been waiting ages for it," he whispered steamily, before capturing Harry's plump lips in a deep, heady, passionate kiss, one that blew Harry's mind over and over, and one with tongue. Plenty of tongue. So much tongue, in fact, that Harry entertained images of that tongue sliding against other parts of his anatomy. He found himself eagerly responding, and sucking wantonly, feeling embarrassed, confused, and really, really horny.

Hermione sat there, finding no other rational explanation for things. Her nose detected no signs of Polyjuice, nor did she hear any of the Dark Magic alarms she'd configured into her ear, connected to Dumbledore's own spinning contraptions in his office, which meant that Dumbledore had willingly allowed Voldemort into the school, and she'd already fired volleys of around a thousand detection charms, all of which coming negative for any Disillusionment, Transfiguration, Transmutation, plastic surgery, alien or mutant powers or Scooby-Doo masks. Nope, this really was Tom Marvolo Riddle, and, for all intents and purposes, he was relatively safe, and sane, and very much interested in Harry, who happened to be his horcrux, or, haha, sex toy.

And all is right with the world. Harry once again saved the Wizarding World.

Satisfied, Hermione returned to her own orgy. Of information, that is.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: So far, Harry had just found out that he's Tom's horcrux, which was a fancy, elven-celtic way of saying 'sex toy'. Go fig. Hermione's got no reaction about it.

Notes: Thanks to those four wonderful people who reviewed. I loves you guys (huuug). T_T Sex galore, guys, but not yet.

TRHP

_Hermione sat there, finding no other rational explanation for things. Her nose detected no signs of Polyjuice, nor did she hear any of the Dark Magic alarms she'd configured into her ear, connected to Dumbledore's own spinning contraptions in his office, which meant that Dumbledore had willingly allowed Voldemort into the school, and she'd already fired volleys of around a thousand detection charms, all of which coming negative for any Disillusionment, Transfiguration, Transmutation, plastic surgery, alien or mutant powers or Scooby-Doo masks. Nope, this really was Tom Marvolo Riddle, and, for all intents and purposes, he was relatively safe, and sane, and very much interested in Harry, who happened to be his horcrux, or, haha, sex toy._

_And all is right with the world. Harry once again saved the Wizarding World._

_Satisfied, Hermione returned to her own orgy. Of information, that is._

Hermione paid no mind as Tom whisked his horcrux away, bridal style, to Thor knows where. She just knew that she'd be dealing with a sulky, complaining Harry later. So, after molesting her brain with millions of worthless information, she finally twirled her wand in a fly-swatting motion, sending all the books to their original places in the shelves, and set about finding out what was happening.

She left the library, and went to Headmaster Dumbledore's office.

TRHP

"Where in Thor's name _are_ those two?" Draco Malfoy complained, filing a delicate fingernail. He sat at the capital of a long, birch table, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Shutup, Malfoy," Ron Weasley huffed.

"Make me," Draco retorted, not giving the Weasel a second thought.

Ron pulled his wand out, and was ready to cast a hair-fall hex.

"_Expelliarmus_," Ginny Weasley said, stifling a yawn as she did so, which was really not conducive to casting the disarming spell properly, but since her brother was terribly _weak_ anyway, it wouldn't have mattered. The wand shot out of Ron's hand, twirling towards the head of one Luna Lovegood-

-who deftly caught it with two fingers, the tip millimeters away from her forehead.

"Nice catch there, Luna," Neville said, blushing at his statement.

"I think you misplaced this, Ron," Luna breathed airily, staring at the stars. Ron promptly stood, trudging to Luna and snatching it from her fingers.

"Remember Ron,' George Weasley said.

"We're under strict orders-" Fred Weasley continued.

"-not to harm any of the Slytherins," George finished, both of the Weasley twins grinning.

"That's right, Weasley-not you, Gred, Forge, Gin-know your place," Blaize Zabini muttered haughtily. The whole table nodded their acquiescence. Ron sulked.

Dean Thomas pushed a sleeve back, glancing at his yellow watch. "Yes, quite. That's twenty minutes into the meeting."

"Cool watch," Theodore Nott commented, jamming a spoon of Frootloops cereal into his mouth.

"Thanks," the Griffindor replied.

"Ya' think they're getting it on at the back of the library?" Seamus Finnigan's accent broke through the silence.

"_Seamus_," everyone sighed.

"What? They could, you know," he whined.

"Seamus, Harry's gay," Parvati Patil explained, putting down a trio of aces with a three and four as trash.

"And hot," Lavender Brown added, waggling his eyebrows. Seamus waggled his right back. Everyone sighed again.

"Why is she here?" Ron griped and Lavender stuck her tongue out. Despite that, everyone silently agreed-why _was_ Lavender here?

"King, Five, Ten! Zomg, I win!" Pansy Parkinson shrilly cried. Everyone cringed.

"You did not, Pansy. See, you still have ten cards left. And you used the highest set of cards already," Millicent Bulstrode pointed out.

"Oh... what?" Pansy said dully.

"Gar," said Vincent Crabbe.

"Gur," said Gregory Goyle.

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Millicent uttered, and Draco and Blaise nodded gravely. Neville helped himself to some Frootloops from Theo.

"But Hermione's book-sexual," Dean supplied, slapping down a full house, three queens and two nines, after Millicent had put down a straight from Pansy's hand.

"Book-sexual," everyone agreed, except Ron. Theo passed his turn, and Parvati passed her turn, and Pansy didn't know what to do, so she looked pleadingly at Millicent, who said, through her teeth, "Pass."

"Pass. ZOMG I really win!" Pansy cried manically.

Everyone face-palmed.

TRHP

Hermione stopped in front of the stone gargoyle. It stared at her. She stared right back.

It looked terrified for a second, and then it started to turn, revealing the staircase. She nodded to herself.

She climbed it, and then reached Dumbledore's office's door. She was about to knock when she heard someone prompt her to enter.

"Hermione, my boy! How nice of you to visit," Dumbledore exclaimed.

"Err, I'm a girl, professor," she said, seating herself.

"Oh, right. I'm sorry, dear. I'm _not _getting old and senile. Harry, my boy!"

She rolled her eyes.

"Right, uhm. Why is Voldemort here?" she asked, ever straight to the point.

But just then, two angry looking professors barged into the room.

"Albus! What is the meaning of this?" Professor McGonagall demanded.

"Yes, Albus, please explain why Voldemort swooped down towards a bunch of unsuspecting students in the Great Hall, saying, "I'm going to kill you, I'm going to kill you," then reverted back to his sixteen year old self, giggling as he exited the Hall," Professor Snape snidely added.

TRHP

"Unggh, Tom, fuuuck..." Harry moaned softly, as Tom's hands ran down Harry's back, and then cupped Harry's arse. They were fully clothed and had just entered what Tom explained was his quarters in Hogwarts, and they were wasting no time.

Tom sucked at Harry's bottom lip, his tongue deftly tasting the inside of Harry's mouth. Harry didn't know what the hell he should do with his hands, and so instead he slid them under Tom's shirt, running them down Tom's toned abdomen.

"Harry," Tom whispered, nudging Harry's neck with his lips. Harry gasped as a hand slid down his trousers and started doing stuff to his rising prick.

He guided Harry towards a bed, where the teen collapsed in a messy, beautiful heap. Tom licked his lips and straddled his horcrux, swooping down for another passionate exchange of tonsils.

TRHP


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: The Slytherin and Gryffindor seventh years are in a meeting for something in the Room of Requirement, and they're waiting (im)patiently for Harry, who's currently being man-raped-with-apparent-consent-so-it's-not-rape by Tom Riddle, who's back in his sixteen year old form, and is apparently living in Hogwarts now, and Dumbledore's got some explaining to do, to Gryffindor's Head Girl Hermione and the two Heads of House of the aforementioned houses in the Room of Requirement Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall, respectively. Go fig.

Notes: Haa fine. I'll give you porn-I mean! A plot. A plot. T_T

_:Parsel-speech:_

TMHP

_"Unggh, Tom, fuuuck..." Harry moaned softly, as Tom's hands ran down Harry's back, and then cupped Harry's arse. They were fully clothed and had just entered what Tom explained was his quarters in Hogwarts, and they were wasting no time._

_Tom sucked at Harry's bottom lip, his tongue deftly tasting the inside of Harry's mouth. Harry didn't know what the hell he should do with his hands, and so instead he slid them under Tom's shirt, running them down Tom's toned abdomen._

_"Harry," Tom whispered, nudging Harry's neck with his lips. Harry gasped as a hand slid down his trousers and started doing stuff to his rising prick._

_He guided Harry towards a bed, where the teen collapsed in a messy, beautiful heap. Tom licked his lips and straddled his horcrux, swooping down for another passionate exchange of tonsils._

TMHP

"So you're saying that Voldemort, err, Tom Riddle Jr. is here because he's been magically brainwashed through a curse much more powerful than the Imperius, by an apparently still alive Grindenwald, and the curse' reversal reverted him back to his sixteen year old form and sanity, and thus had been magically compelled by the ancient magics of Hogwarts to go back to school?" Hermione asked the Headmaster.

"Well, yes, quite, Harry, my dear boy-"

"It's Hermione Granger, Albus, a girl-" Professor McGonagall interjected.

"-but I really haven't explained anything yet," Dumbledore continued without a moment's pause for being interrupted, "How did you know?"

"I deduced everything, sir." Hermione replied smoothly, picking at stray thread from her robes.

Snape snorted his disgust. And a bit of phlegm.

"So there's _still_ a Dark Lord?" Hermione pressed.

"Yes, but I can't quite place the name. Was it um, Groundwall? Grindingwhore? Hmmm..."

"Grindenwald, sir. You know, the Dark Lord you supposedly offed?"

"..." Was Dumbledore's reply, then a twitchy snore. He had fallen asleep.

The three other wizards in the room stared.

"Squawk, Polly want a cracker, squawk!" the phoenix, Fawkes, said.

TRHP

Harry was blushing hotly as Tom neckraped him, while simultaneously shedding his clothing. Harry couldn't quite get over two things: that he's about to have sex with his sinfully handsome _worst enemy_, and that _he's about to have sex with his sinfully handsome _worst enemy.

"T-Tom, w-wow," was all he said, when Tom revealed a body worthy of gracing the cover of PlayWitch Magazine. Tom smiled against Harry's abused neck, undoing the buttons of Harry's uniform as Harry breathed heavily, followed by a millisecond of trying to undo the teen's belt.

Tom yanked down, and off came Harry's trousers, leaving a pair of silk green boxers, with something jutting inside.

_Fuck, I had to wear these, _Harry said in his mind, but all that came out of his mouth was an undignified, girly moan.

Tom was in his own boxers as well, but it sported a tent much bigger than Harry's, although the latter already is. And that was to say that neither of their minds were exaggerating the size of the other's prick, because, hell, they _were_ well endowed indeed.

Tom pressed, and girated.

"Holy Thor's fuck toy, Tom..." Harry cried suddenly, as the taller of the two pushed his dick along the offending pieces of clothing. Harry's prick twitched, now graced with company of its own kind.

Tom captured Harry's lips in a searing kiss, trading saliva, and gods did Harry taste like vanilla ice cream on a hot summer's day, Tom thought, and gods did Tom taste like absolute ambrosia, Harry thought.

As they kissed in fervor, a hand glided down from Harry's chest, along the middle of Harry's Quidditch-toned abdomen, touching the small hairs that formed from the navel down, until Tom's hand was met by a very eager cock.

"Tom... Tom... please," Harry muttered, threading a hand through Tom's magnificent hair, and Tom did so, sliding his hand into the waistband of Harry's silk boxers, and giving Harry's cock a firm, steady grip, and rubdown.

"Harry... Let me fuck you," Tom whispered into Harry's ear as Harry wrapped an arm around Tom's back, and whimpered tiny, adorable moans of arousal.

"F-fuck me hard, then," Was Harry's wanton reply.

TMHP

"King, five, ten! There! I'm sure I won it this time!" Pansy cried for the umpteenth time.

"Pansy! We were done playing King-Five-Ten ages ago! Give it a rest!" Draco yelled in a very un-Malfoy-ish way. They had decided to change the meeting place in the RoR into a padded lounge, with the floors layered with a thick, one-foot quilt, beanies of different colors everywhere, and various gaming devices, which no one took interest in, because they didn't know any cheat codes for the games. The computer worked, but Gamefaqs and IGN were down.

"Then what do I do!" Pansy shrieked. Everyone cringed.

"I know, Parkinson! Let's play a game!" Theo suddenly said. Everyone turned to look at him. What kind of insane person would like to play with Pansy?

"Oooh! I love games! What game? WHAT GAME!"

"Ok, ok. Here's how the game goes. First, you grab a pillow-"

"I'M ALREADY ON IT! NOW WHAT!" Pansy all but yelled hysterically.

"Then, you push it as hard as you could against your face, and first one to get unconscious is the win-"

But Pansy didn't hear him. Her face was already covered with the pillow.

"Nice call, Theo," Ginny said. Theo winked at her. She blushed.

Everyone agreed.

TMHP


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Consider this disclaimed. huh-yah! (judochop)**

**I can see why people are confused. I kept writing TMHP when I should have been writing TRHP. Mistake.  
**

Pansy died. But no one cared about that, as proven by everyone's blatant, exaggerated ignorance of the rigormortifying corpse on the Room of Requirement's cushiony floor.

"Where's Pansy?" Ginny gasped, making a very unconvincing show of looking around for her in panic. Everyone mimicked what she was doing and 'tried' to look for Pansy. A couple of them even tripped on her head. Ron in particular went into her pocket and stole a wallet while no one was 'looking'.

"Well, I don't know! She must have offed herself somewhere!" Theo exclaimed, exaggerating the tone of his voice.

"Oh well!" Everyone said, going back to their musings.

T(R)HP

"Tom, am I brave enough to let you see my peacock?" Harry whispered to Tom lovingly.

Tom pulled away and looked at him in horror.

"Oh, not another one!" he exclaimed.

Apparently the moment was ruined.

"Huh? What do you mean by that?" Harry asked, cocking his head to the side.

"Well, back when I was in my previous, eww-ghastly-get-it-off-me snake form, Lucius and I... used to do it. And every single time those bloody peacocks of his would fly magically onto the balcony and watch us do it!"

Harry stared at him, amusement and disbelief alight in his eyes.

"I'm serious! They'd watch us get it on, and like, _mate _on the terrace!"

"I'd like to terrace-mate you, if you know what I mean," Harry said suggestively, prowling onto Tom. Tom's sexy smirk grew wide.

Apparently the moment was not ruined.

Well, until of course-

-BOOM!

"Gaah!" Both of them yelled together. They were _so_ meant to be, both of them thought.

"I _told _you bombing the shit out of it would work!" Albus told Hermione. Hermione looked highly offended at such language.

"Headmaster! Language!" She never thought she'd hear herself berate the Headmaster of Hogwarts in all her years. Actually, she did. She made it a lifelong goal to develop a spell that would allow her to correct everyone in the world at once.

"*Snort* Hngah? What?" In that span of time he had blasted the door to Harry's and Tom's secret love den he'd fallen asleep, again.

"Headmaster, Hermione!" Harry yelped. Both of the teens were covering their naked bodies and still erect penises with the sheets. "What in Merlin's name are you doing here! We're not... _presentable_ at the moment!"

Albus laugh-snorted. "Well, then, make yourselves presentable!" he exclaimed in a jolly-good-show voice, sitting on a couch and making no move at all to give them privacy to change into something decent, a wicked, horrendously creepy glint in his eyes. Tom puked a bucketload in his mouth, his lips almost bursting with the vomit, onto the sheets. But he stopped himself, oh yes. He couldn't stand a mess.

Harry made a move to change.

"Harry! What are you doing! He's _watching!" _Tom hissed. Really hissed. Coz, you know, they could do that.

Harry shrugged. "It's not like it's the first time-"

"HuuWhat!" Tom gasped in horror.

"-he's done it," he continued, not missing a beat, "I mean, he has security charms all over Hogwarts' bathrooms. Even the Quidditch lockerrooms. _Especially _the Quidditch lockerrooms. He even has sound charms on it. And then he watches it all in his pensieve. You know, for safety. Locks the Headmaster's room for secrecy and confidentiality and all that."

Tom found it entirely shocking how Harry found absolutely nothing criminal in what he had just divulged.

"A-are you saying that _Dumbledore's _a _pervy old coot _who manipulated you all into thinking it was all for your safet_y_!" Tom hissed louder.

"No, silly!" Harry found it absolutely absurd how Dumbledore could manipulate anyone to his advantage. "I'm saying he's very trustworthy and I trust him. And trust. Trusttrusttrust."

Across the room Dumbledore was holding a Canon ZR960 video camcorder and recording the two.

Hermione entered then, her entrance delayed because she overheard a portrait ask another portrait a question, activating her know-it-all-spider senses. She then went off to rant about three keypieces in the Goblin Wars that had different sexual preferences and how this affected the War.

Now, she stared at both of them.

"You're uncircumcised, Tom?" she asked. "Wait, don't answer that. I know it already."

Tom fainted.

"Fuck you both," Harry muttered, cutting himself.

TRHP

**I got bored, so I finally decided to add a little some-some to this.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I do not own this.**

**I forgot, the twins aren't here anymore. Well, whatever. Let's say they returned to continue on their seventh year.  
**

**Hello! Sexually charged sherbet lemons anyone?  
**

TRHP

Everyone agreed that they should go to the Great Hall for dinner. The Slytherins found it unusual that Dumbledore was charming the house banners into changing animal familiars. There was Bubbles for Hufflepuff, That's so Raven's Raven for Ravenclaw, Aslan for Gryffindor and-

"What the bloody hell is that?" Draco exclaimed, pointing at the cartoon lizard thing.

"That's a Treecko, Harry," Dumbledore said happily as they entered Great Hall.

"What the hell is a _Treecko?_" Draco asked. "And sir, it's Draco Malfoy."

Dumbledore flipped open his Pokedex.

"TREECKO." the Pokedex beeped. _"Treecko has small hooks on the bottom of its feet that enable it to scale vertical walls. This Pokemon attacks by slamming foes with it's thick tail."_

Draco rolled his eyes. "Oh, now I know what it is. Thank you headmaster."

Dumbledore called Fawkes and danced Hips Don't Lie.

Seated, Draco and his friends ate dinner in a dignified, high class manner. He used the forty-sixth spoon to scoop soup and pour some on the eleventh spoon, which travelled to his mouth, where the twenty-third spoon was waiting to catch it so that he could put it in his mouth. High class.

He glanced at the Gryffindor table where Fred and George where making out, and nobody appeared to notice. They winked at him, and he blushed scarlet.

"Why are you suddenly red in the face?" Theo asked, bringing his fifth fork to his mouth.

"I-I'm not!" Draco stuttered. He glanced quickly towards the redheads, who were getting him hot and bothered. Fred had his fingers in George's beautiful hair and George was kissing his twin's neck. "Your just ... you're using your fork wrong! It's supposed to be the nineteenth fork in your mouth!"

"Holy shit!" the whole Slytherin house chorused, dropping like, a thousand utensils onto their plates.

"Fuck. I'm doomed." Theo deadpanned, as a few Slytherins carried him to the punishment room where he will get severely teabagged and cummed upon. Though the rest didn't know that. The House of snakes-now apparently, the houses of green gecko pokemon-were told it was filled with torture and gore.

At that moment Harry and Tom entered the Great Hall, holding hands.

Catcalls and wolf whistles were heard and thrown at them, Harry blushing brightly and Tom rubbing the back of his head, grinning. Tom bent down and kissed the top of Harry's head, then walked to their table. It was five seconds later that they noticed each other going different directions.

"_Tom_, we're eating at Gryffindor." Harry smiled in a strained way.

"No, _Harry_, we're eating at Slytherin."

"I wanna eat with my friends," Harry countered.

"But _Harry-"_

"No," Harry said stubbornly, crossing his arms.

"Harry, sss ss ssss."

"... What?"

"Sss sssss ss sss?" Tom asked.

"Tom, you're not speaking Parseltongue. You're merely making s sounds."

Tom sulked and made his way to the Gryffindor table along with Harry.

"You are going to regret this, Harry. You're not my horcrux for nothing," he whispered softly. Harry restrained a shiver from running through him.

Seated among his fellow lions, Harry proceeded to gobble food down. Ron's already choking on a chicken leg. Tom grimaced at how uncouth everyone in Gryffindor was, settling for eating unmessy, uninteresting salad.

Dumbledore threw his glass towards the center of the Hall, causing everyone's attention focusing on him.

"Will the following students please see me in the Headmaster's office after dinner: Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Luna Lovegood, Rom Tiddle, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter." He paused. "Oh, and I almost forgot, Harry Potter, as well." He went back to watching footage from his camera, with a hand doing suspicious things under the table cloth.

Minutes later, Tom began running a hand up Harry's pants.

"T-Tom! Stop it!" he whispered frantically, but Tom was having none of it.

"What's wrong, my Harry? All I want is to make you feel _good. _Is that so wrong?" His lips descended down to Harry's sensitive ear, where he started nipping and licking at it playfully. Harry turned red.

"Not in front of everyone, Tom. C'mon ..."

Tom felt Harry go hard in his pants when he started muttering incredibly sinful and dirty things in the Gryffindor's ear.

Unable to restrain himself, Harry met Tom's mouth eagerly and started licking every corner inside it. All of the Gryffindors' mouths where agape, even Hermione, though she was still looking at a book.

"Gods ..." Harry groaned as Tom attacked his collarbone.

"Um, Harry?" Ron squeaked, "I don't think you should be doing that in front of everyone."

Harry boldly licked Tom's upper lip before looking at Ron. "Why, is it getting _you _horny?"

"What! N-no!" said Ron incredulously. He shifted in his seat to hide his bulging erection.

"HOW DARE YOU! HARRY'S MINE!" Cho Chang cried from Ravenclaw table. Luna's face suddenly went blank and the camera zoomed into her eyes.

_Cho jumping from the Ravenclaw table, propelling herself towards Harry and Tom._

_Cho tripping on Terry's face._

_Terry bleeding to death from Cho's heel digging in his eyesocket._

_Cho landing on shards from Dumbledore's glass goblet._

_Cho dying._

_Basilisk coming out of the shadows and ingesting the two Ravenclaw students._

The camera zoomed out of Luna's eye, and Cho jumped off the Ravenclaw table.

"Let's get out of here, Tom ... I wanna do you ..." Harry whined to Tom's ear.

"We'll go, but we can't do _anything, _Harry." Tom looked around the place, suspicious. "Dumbledore still has those 'security charms' all over the place."

Harry pouted most beautifully. Tom almost melted under Harry's intensely handsome face.

"I'm sorry, love. I can't," he said in finality, planting one, loving kiss on Harry's. They left without saying goodbye to Harry's friends, not noticing Cho's foot catching Terry's temple forcefully.

Draco was practically rubbing his cock in his trousers at images formulating in his mind, of him doing naughty things with the Weasley twins.

George winked one more time at Draco before standing up, pulling his twin Fred with him and out of the Great Hall. From any observer who focused hard enough, like Draco, one could easily outline twin erections from their pants.

Draco took a gulp of air, before looking mildly surprised at a magic paper something (an airplane) hitting his face.

**_The Prefects' Bathroom.  
9pm_**

**_G and F_**

**_P.S. Prepare yourself. ;P_**

Draco turned to putty.**_  
_**


	6. Chapter 6

**Neeext. Porn, basically XD.  
**

**TRHP**

Walking down the hall, Draco had no idea what the twins wanted from inside the steamy, secluded Prefects' bathroom. Actually, scratch that. A thousand things had occupied Draco's mind as guesses, with the top thousand of them involving bodily fluids exchanging.

But that would mean he'd have to miss that stupid meeting with Dumbledore.

He weighed his options. Either go to Dumbledore's boring office, and be told miserly war stories that would most likely drag on for ages, all the while avoiding being magically groped, _or_ go to Fred and George, and submit to Merlin knows what those twins want to do to him—with him, he swiftly corrected.

He shook his head, his golden hair smoothly cascading in ripples.

_Fred or miserly war stories? George or magical groping?_

Jamming his hands into his pockets and sighing heavily, he started towards the Headmaster's office. He was just going to see what was going on then leave as soon as he could. He hoped the twins didn't mind him being late.

**TRHP**

"You know, you could be having sex with me right now, against this wall right here. Or this wall, or this wall, or that suit of armor ..."

"Harry, shut up."

They walked in silence, Harry having no idea what got Tom so pissy.

"What's got your knickers in a hard twist?"

Tom's face looked thunderstruck, then cast a glance at Harry, blushing.

"Look, i don't like being watched."

Harry brushed him off. "So what? Fuck Dumbledore. Don't you want—" he ran his hands along his body in an obscene manner, like forming a Coke shape with his hands, "—_this?_"

The Dark Lord stared at him. "That was ridiculously unsexy, Harry."

"I know," Harry admitted. He stepped closer to Tom and ducked his head.

"It's just ... I can't take it anymore. I don't know. I _want _to feel you against me, without the effing clothes or the restraints."

Tom took Harry's chin and looked into Harry's shining green eyes.

"We need a place where Dumbledore can't monitor us."

As if something was jammed into Harry's ass, he jumped, and promptly kissed Tom, who widened his eyes in surprise.

"That's it, Tom! C'mon!"

**TRHP**

He changed his mind after the first step. Before long Draco was uttering the password to the Prefects' Bathroom without much fuss, lithely keeping to the shadows as he entered to remain unseen. He was trying to be as prepared as possible for whatever it is the twins had in store for him.

Seeing nothing at all using his super sneaky Death Eater Spy powers, he walked out of the darkness.

The twins weren't there, and nothing was out of the ordinary, except for a lone pensieve by the large prefects' pool/tub.

A notecard was placed atop the glowing basin, and Draco warily took it scanning the card quickly.

**_A little preview of what's to come. ;)  
_**

**_Love, P and G._**

Draco blushed heavily, feeling weird, not amusing feelings about the twins. _Oh, look at that—they left a tiny wink; how cute ..._

He shook his head rapidly, trying to banish any thoughts leading to anything too sentimental. Instead he stared at the pensieve.

Shrugging, he positioned himself next to the basin, and dunked his head in the magical memory water.

_Draco fell into what seemed to be a luxuriously decorated bedroom, candlelit and vamped up with anything and everything that apparently turned Draco on._

_He saw some movement on the wide, king-sized bed, and approached._

_What he saw among the sheets made his jaw drop, and his cock subconsciously twitch._

_Fred was on his knees and elbows, fully naked, his ass in the air, and George was in front of him, also fully naked. George's cock was appearing and disappearing into Fred's mouth, and Fred was trying to swallow George's full length. That glorious tuft of red hair forming at the base of George's cock tickled Fred's nose, and soon the heavy scent of George's manhood had Fred fully hard._

_Draco saw George take Fred's hair into his hands and fist them, and jam his dick straight down Fred's throat. George let out a low, resounding moan that found its way directly through Draco's hardening prick._

_Draco's eyes turned half-lidded as he started touching himself through his trousers, this time George coming down to kiss Fred full on the mouth._

_They shared what seemed to be a single moving tongue as they swapped saliva, and Draco heard a loud, groaning noise, only to realize it was him who made that noise._

_Before long Fred had his hands on the headboard for support, and George was parting his ass, and Fred shiver-cried as George plunged his tongue down Fred's soft pucker, as George forced him open—Draco noted how utterly impatient George was getting—and Fred biting his lower lip off in pleasure._

_Draco couldn't take it anymore. His pants were down, his dick warm and encased with his knuckles—he was fucking his hands at the same rhythm George was thrusting his cock into Fred's hole—and he was saying, "Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuck, shit, why the hell didn't I think of this before, fuuuck, you two are so fucking _hot _I wanna join you guys," until he came all over his hands, in one spectacularly explosive ejaculation._

_Draco didn't want to take his eyes off George taking Fred through the bed—somehow Fred had sank onto the bed and George was still pummeling his ass into the mattress, in such a rigorously divine manner that Draco wished he could experience—_

until he was out of the memory, and in the Prefects' bathroom, with his pants down and sticky seed all over his hands, the pensieve, and the tiles.


End file.
